Puzzle Me This Read online

  “Shit,” Luke said. “We’d have to cut a lot.”

  “I know, Luke. Sorry, but I need you to come through for me, buddy. And we need it ASAP.”

  That night Alex listened to Luke harangue about how much he hated cutting his designs, especially when the game was as far along as this one. It was a designer’s worst nightmare. Alex listened sympathetically and rubbed Luke’s back. But Luke was too upset to be good company, and after an hour, he went back to his apartment to work on the dreaded task.

  That week he only got over to Alex’s two nights, crawling into bed with him in the dark. Alex snuggled against him and went back to sleep. By 7:00 a.m. Luke was gone again.

  Luke worked through Saturday, demolishing subplots and rerouting puzzle clues, all of it under a grumpy cloud. Saturday night Alex invited him over for dinner and made meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

  “This is really good, babe,” Luke said tiredly. “I needed some comfort food.”

  “There’s more comfort where that came from,” Alex said with an eyebrow waggle.

  “You mean sex? What’s that? I’ve forgotten,” Luke deadpanned.

  “Yes, it’s been six whole days. Call Guinness.”

  “Are you implying that I’m a sex addict?”

  “If the condom fits.” Alex licked mashed potatoes off his spoon with a long tongue.

  “Just for that….” Luke slipped out of his chair and crawled under the table.

  “Luke! I cooked for hours!” Alex laughed as Luke began undoing the button on his jeans.

  “That’s why God invented microwaves. Are your brakes set, hot stuff? It’s going to be a bumpy night.”

  “Luke!” Alex complained, swatting at Luke’s hands. A moment later Alex was gripping the edge of the table and his voice had dropped an octave. “Oh God, Luke.”

  The second time they sat down to eat the meatloaf and mashed potatoes, Alex said, “Can you take a break tomorrow? It’s Sunday and the new Bond movie just came out.”

  Luke cringed guiltily. “Actually, I signed up to hike Mount Nittany with a Meetup group. It’s been scheduled for months, and I’d hate to miss it. It would come at the worst possible time, though.”

  “That’s okay,” Alex said, not quite hiding his disappointment.

  “Wish you could go with me.” Luke squeezed Alex’s hand. After he said it, he worried that maybe he shouldn’t bring up stuff like that, the stuff Alex couldn’t do.

  But Alex’s smile turned genuine. “I’m glad you’re going,” he said decisively. “You’ve been working so much. Some fresh air will be good for your little gray cells. And I hear Mount Nittany is beautiful. People used to talk about it when I was at the university.”

  “It’s supposed to be spectacular,” Luke agreed. He took a polite bite of meatloaf, his appetite suddenly gone.

  * * *

  The Mount Nittany hike was awesome. The November day was crisp, and there was still some fall color left. Luke joined a group of ten strangers that wound their way together up the mountain. The uphill climb was a balm to his ignored muscles. He’d been spending way too much time sitting lately. And the woods were soothing to his soul. Trevor was in his element with so many people to coo over him.

  Luke sat on the peak looking out over the view, chatting with a bunch of happy, sweaty, able-bodied twenty- and thirtysomethings. He took some photos and texted them to Alex who responded with several thumbs-up and “Looks gorgeous! Love the pics.”

  The response gave Luke a pang of sadness. And he had a minor epiphany. He wished Alex was there, but Alex would never be there. He’d never be able to do stuff like this with him, ever.

  Ever was a really long time. For as long as Luke was with Alex, he would never have a partner to do these things with. The pain in his chest from that thought felt a little like grief, like he’d lost something important.

  Then he kicked himself because Alex was the one who was left out. Then he felt guilty for enjoying this when Alex couldn’t. And then he worried—would he always feel guilty about just doing stuff?

  Amy was right. He hadn’t thought this through. By the time Luke came down the mountain, there was a catch in his chest that hadn’t been there before.

  When he got home that night, he had twenty emails to answer from team members working through the weekend. He gave Alex a quick call and wished him a good night. He didn’t go over.

  * * *

  For the next two weeks, Luke worked all the time. He used it as an excuse not to see Alex. Luke knew it was a cop-out, and he could tell from the tightness in Alex’s voice when he called that Alex knew it too. Luke couldn’t help it. He had some serious thinking to do about their relationship, and he couldn’t do it with this work crisis demanding all his focus.

  But he could only put Alex off for so long, and Luke did really miss him. So they went to see the Bond movie on the Friday before Thanksgiving. They went to a nine o’clock showing because Luke worked late. The theater was surprisingly crowded, and Luke helped maneuver through the obstacle course by manning the handles of the chair, something he’d never done before. Alex parked at the end of a row and they held hands in the dark while they watched the movie.

  When it was over, Alex turned his chair toward the exit and took Luke’s hand, but there were people in the aisle and the PDA made Luke uncomfortable. In San Fran he’d done it, sure, but this was Pennsylvania. So he pulled away, using the excuse of needing to man the chair handles. He felt guilty for doing it, so he talked loudly about the movie, hoping Alex wouldn’t notice.

  In the car on the way home, Alex turned to him with a worried smile. “My parents invited you for Thanksgiving. Amy will be there. They really want to meet you.”

  Luke felt his face get hot. “Actually, I have some news. I turned in the revised design, and my boss wants me in San Fran for three weeks to help the team make the changes. I leave the day after Thanksgiving.”

  “Oh,” Alex said blankly.

  Luke took his hand and squeezed it. “When they let me move here, it was always understood that there’d be times when I’d have to work on-site. But I’ll be home for Christmas.”

  Alex tried to smile reassuringly. “Will you be staying in a hotel there?”

  “No. I’ll bunk with my friend, Marco. He lives in the Castro.”

  “What about Trevor? He could stay with me.”

  “Nah. My sister’s going to take him. I’m, um, actually driving him over to Allentown on Thanksgiving. I need to take his crate and stuff over there, and I’ll do the requisite holiday thing.”

  “Oh.” Alex frowned and blinked rapidly. He was quiet for a few minutes and then: “Would you… like me to go with you? It’s a long drive.”

  Luke froze. It hadn’t occurred to him that Alex would want to be invited.

  “Babe, you should be with your family on Thanksgiving.”

  “I’d rather be with you,” Alex said quietly.

  “I… don’t think that’s a good idea,” Luke said lamely. “But I’ll be back by dinnertime. We can spend the evening together.”

  Alex didn’t press the issue. He nodded and looked out the window.

  Chapter 16

  Turkey Trimmed with Family Drama

  The drive to Allentown on Thanksgiving Day was long and boring. Trevor seemed to sense Luke’s anxious mood because he was impatient and whining the whole way.

  It became clear it wasn’t going to be a happy occasion the moment Luke walked into his parents’ house. His folks were out of sight in the kitchen, and his mother’s voice rose stridently, a hysterical note to it.

  “I should leave! Just pack my things and go! No one would even notice that I was gone. Not until the dishes piled up.”

  “C’mon, Jean. Where would you go?” Luke’s father said in a disinterested tone.

  “Then I’ll kill myself! It’s not like a single person in this family would care.”

  Luke froze inside the doorway. Lynn walked into the room from down the hall and saw him.
Her smile was brief and twisted. She walked over to him and gave him a hug as the voices continued arguing in the kitchen.

  “What happened?” he asked quietly.

  She shrugged. “Oh, you know Mom. Something about Dad not wanting them to go to an office party tomorrow, and Mom’s convinced it’s because he’s ashamed of her. Plus she’s jealous of this new woman who’s working in Dad’s office. As if.”

  “I don’t know why I bother!” came his mother’s voice. “Working my fingers to the bone in the kitchen for hours. No one appreciates me. I’m a work horse, that’s all.”

  Luke cringed. He thanked God he hadn’t brought Alex with him. He and Lynn held each other’s gaze for a long moment. Luke sighed. “Is there anything we need to do? For the meal?”

  “Nah.” Lynn waved her hand dismissively. “Matt and I have been here all morning and everything’s pretty much ready to go. You might get Dad out of the kitchen to watch TV or something. If Mom gets some space, she might calm down.”

  “Right.”

  Steeling himself, he turned toward the kitchen and raised his voice. “Mom? Dad? Happy Thanksgiving.”

  The argument in the kitchen fell silent. When he walked in, his dad was sitting at the small breakfast table, arms crossed, face impassive. His mom wore a plain green dress over her sturdy frame. Her hair was in the same short blonde bob she’d always worn, and her face looked haggard as she turned from stirring a pot at the stove. Her expression lightened when she saw him.

  “Luke!” She put the spoon down, came over, and gave him a hug. “How are you? It’s been way too long. Why do we never see you?”

  Her voice had an edge to it. If she got on another gripe about Luke not coming home, it could quickly escalate in her present mood. Luke changed the subject. “Oh, man. It smells incredible in here. What a treat. I’ve missed your cooking.”

  His mother relaxed. “I’m making mashed potatoes the way you like them. With turkey gravy, of course.”

  “Yum. Thank you so much. You look nice today, Mom.”

  She looked down at herself and smoothed a hand over her dress. “Well. Not really, but it’s nice of you to say so. You look good. My handsome boy. Looks like you’re taking care of yourself.” She gave him a hesitant smile.

  “I try. Can I help with anything?”

  “No but thank you for asking.” She gave him another long look and rubbed his arm. “It’s so good to have my baby home.”

  “It’s nice to be home.” Luke gave her another hug. “Sure I can’t help you?”

  She went back to the stove and picked up the spoon. “No, you go on and relax, honey. It’s your day off.”

  “Okay. Dad, you want to catch some of the pre-Super Bowl coverage?”

  “If you can get him to pay attention to anything, you’re better than me,” his mother complained.

  Luke ignored her remark and so did his father, standing up and brushing past Luke to go into the living room.

  “How was your drive?” his dad asked as he plopped down on the couch.

  “It was easy. The roads weren’t bad.”

  His dad found the channel where talking heads were discussing today’s game, but Luke barely watched it. His insides felt encased in ice. He should be used to his mother’s meltdowns by now. They’d been going on for as long as he’d been alive. But the more time he spent away from home, the more aware he was of how dysfunctional his family was.

  I’ll pack my bags and leave. No one would care. I’ll just kill myself.

  As a teen, Luke had rolled his eyes. The threats had become so mundane. But those words had terrified him as a little boy. He remembered Lynn trying to comfort him as he cried. Mom says she wants to kill herself. Doesn’t she love us? Why doesn’t she want to be with us?

  Jesus, it was fucked up.

  His mother had terrible self-esteem and clinical depression, and she refused to take antidepressants. Her fragile ego crumpled at the smallest perceived slight. She’d always struggled with her weight and felt she was unattractive. She’d also never worked outside the home or had her own money or career. His sister Lynn had gotten her involved in a story hour at the local library, and that seemed to have helped a little, at least got her out of the house.

  Unfortunately, his father did nothing to help the situation. Harold was a large man, a retired factory manager with a ruddy face and thin gray hair. He was Mr. Stoic, about as emotional as a lamppost. Lynn had said once that when their mom got ramped up like this, she was really just trying to get their dad’s attention. And Luke supposed that was true. She probably wanted his dad to acknowledge her, to say she was needed and valued. But his dad never seemed to get the memo.

  “How’s the job, Luke?” his dad asked during a commercial break. “Is your company doing okay?”

  “Yeah, Dad. It’s good. I like it.”

  The commercial break ended and so did the conversation.

  By the time they sat down for turkey and all the trimmings an hour later, his mom was in a better mood. She seemed determined not to ruin the day.

  “Everything’s delicious,” Luke told her, as they dug in.

  “Yeah, Mom. The turkey’s fantastic. So moist,” agreed Lynn.

  Her husband Matt nodded and made suitable yummy noises.

  His mom smiled. “Well, you did the yams, Lynn. They’re just super. Mine never turn out so soft.”

  “Do you still like State College?” Lynn asked Luke.

  “I like it.” Luke nodded. “Nice town. Lots of hiking trails. I’ve met some people.”

  “Are you seeing anyone?” Lynn ignored the look her husband Matthew shot her. Matthew didn’t like to talk about that. That being Luke’s relationships with other humans who had dicks.

  “I’ve been seeing someone since August, actually.” A giddy smile took over Luke’s face. He was helpless to stop it.

  His mom and dad and Matthew were all painfully silent, watching him.

  “That’s great,” Lynn said. “What’s his name?”

  “Alex.”

  “And what’s Alex do?”

  “He designs pencil puzzles. Crosswords. Logic puzzles. Things like that.” Luke’s smile grew bigger, treacherous thing. “That’s how we met. He wanted to introduce himself, so he put a message in a crossword puzzle in the Philly Examiner and then had it delivered to my door.”

  “That’s so romantic,” his mother said. “Sounds like you two have a lot in common.”

  Luke blinked at her in surprise. “Thanks, Mom. Yeah, we do.”

  “So why didn’t you bring him?” Lynn asked.

  “What?”

  “Today. You should have brought him with.”

  “Um…. He’s with his family today.” Luke took a big bite of yams so he could stop talking. God, maybe he should have brought Alex. Of course, his parents—and Matthew, but fuck Matthew—were uncomfortable about his being gay. He’d never brought anyone home before, but that wasn’t why he hadn’t brought Alex.

  Bringing Alex to meet his parents would mean they were serious. It was too soon for that.

  “Well, Luke,” his mother began softly. “Maybe you could bring him for Christmas.”

  Luke stared at her dubiously. Pod people. That had to be the answer.

  “You’ve been back for a year and we hardly ever see you. You don’t have to stay away, Luke. We’re okay with… the gay thing. Right, Harold?”

  Luke’s father cleared his throat and deliberately put down his knife and fork. Everyone waited with bated breath.

  “Yeah,” Harold said gruffly. Then he picked up his fork and knife and resumed eating.

  It was like a benediction from the pope. Luke gave Lynn a what the fuck look. She shrugged and smiled.

  * * *

  It was almost seven that night when Luke knocked on Alex’s door, half of his mother’s pumpkin pie in hand. When Alex let him in, Luke kissed him lightly on the lips.

  “How was your drive?”

  “Tedious.”

 
They were both subdued as they ate a slice of pie. Alex seemed tense and unhappy, and Luke was stressed about having to get ready for his 7:00 a.m. flight. There were a dozen details that had to be taken care of before then.

  When they were done, Luke took the plates into the kitchen. He left his phone by his glass and when he returned to the living room, Alex was holding it. Alex turned it off and put it back down. His face was blank.

  “When you lived in San Francisco, you probably went to the clubs a lot,” Alex said slowly.

  “I guess.”

  “And you hooked up a lot.”

  Luke frowned. “Alex, I’m going there to work, not to party.”

  Alex tilted his head skeptically, but he didn’t look at Luke. He played with the arm of his chair. “You can’t work all the time.”

  “Obviously, you’ve never shipped a computer game,” Luke huffed. He knew Alex was fishing, but he didn’t want to make any promises. San Francisco was his old stomping ground. Of course he’d go out, if he could find the time. Not that he’d hook up. But there was no harm going out for a drink.

  “Please don’t do that!” Alex said hotly. “Don’t talk around things like I’m an idiot. I know what this is and what this isn’t, all right? At least allow me that much dignity!”

  “Yeah? What is it then?”

  Alex heaved a big breath and spoke bitterly. “You’re fine with hanging out here and getting your rocks off, maybe even going out now and then. You can look like the terrific guy who’s enlightened enough to have a friend in a wheelchair. But you’d be embarrassed if anyone thought the guy in the wheelchair was your boyfriend.”

  Luke felt anger surge, hot and choking. “Where the hell do you get that? We’ve gone out together!”

  Alex’s mouth twisted. He pushed back from the table and looked down at his hands, clenched in his lap. He didn’t answer.

  “We went to Philadelphia together!” Luke spluttered.

  “Yeah, but no one knew you there, so it didn’t matter.”

  The words he’d heard his mother say just that morning, and so many times before, came into his mind. I’ll just leave. I’ll kill myself. A band tightened around Luke’s chest, hot and aching. He wanted to yell. But the angry words were stifled by a yawning fear. He didn’t want to go down this path with Alex. He couldn’t. The look on Alex’s face stopped him too. He looked sad and shut off and resigned. Luke felt sick to his stomach.